From the Street to the Straight and Narrow

by Christian D. Piatt

Jackie’s entire adult life has been marred by addiction. By the age of sixteen, she was using, and her habits steadily grew until they became the focus of her life. For three decades, she actively used narcotics, from ecstasy to cocaine, heroin, ice and more. Not knowing anything more than a life within a haze of mind-numbing drugs, her behavior became increasingly risky. She descended from carelessness to recklessness, and then finally to behavior that most would consider suicidal.

“I would do whatever I had to do to make money, illegal or not.” Jackie said. While she and her husband were living with her mother, he died of an overdose on cocaine. Her husband already suffered from high blood pressure, and the drugs finally placed an unbearable strain on his heart. Jackie recalls the day she witnessed his death.

“I didn’t want to live anymore either,” she said. “I was tired, but I was too afraid of other types of suicide.” Instead, Jackie tried to overdose on cocaine as well. As providence would have it, her efforts failed.

When Jackie was not on the streets working for her next fix, she spent much of her time behind bars. Her periods of incarceration were the only times in her adult life she was clean, she recalled, before coming to Samaritan House. In these times, she would sometimes reflect on her situation and wonder if things could have been different.

“Now I look back on my life, and I realize most people I used with have HIV now too,” she said. However, given her self-destructive patterns, she realized that this was another gamble with her life. Regularly, she would share needles with people she suspected were already HIV-positive, but it was only another part of her attempt to self-destruct.

While in jail, case workers offered free HIV testing, and Jackie agreed to take the test. The positive result did not surprise her. But the case workers had different ideas for Jackie’s life, provided that they could convince her that her life was worth saving.

Jackie’s parole officer referred her to AIDS Outreach Center for support upon her release, and with nowhere to live, they suggested she visit Samaritan House. With no other options than the street, Jackie agreed that this might be the right place for her.

Samaritan House ended up being much more for Jackie than a warm bed and three meals a day. The intensive individual and group counseling helped her find new strength and potential within herself that had lain dormant during decades of drug use. Jackie learned about the twelve-step approach to sobriety, and began rebuilding her life around dependence on a higher power, instead of on drugs.

“My life is based on the serenity prayer,’ she said. “I always take something away from those (counseling) meetings. I used to say ‘so what, if I use again I’ll go back to jail, no big deal.’ Now I wouldn’t take a piece of candy from the store without paying for it.” Jackie explained that she views each resident’s job as staying clean and sticking to their program of sobriety. At first, the threat of being kicked out if she tested positive for drugs was a big motivator to stay clean. Now, she has greater aspirations in mind for herself.

Jackie has been clean now for six months: the longest time in more than thirty years that she has not used drugs, outside of jail. She realizes that she has not won her battle with addiction, but instead, she takes each day as a new challenge, and as an opportunity to make new, healthier choices. She has worked with her case manager to set up an educational program for herself that would lead her to certification as a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor. As do many former drug users in recovery, Jackie believes that her experiences can help save someone else from the years of pain and hopelessness that she experienced.

Jackie looks forward to celebrating Christmas with her new family at Samaritan House. It will be her first holiday in recovery since she was a teenager. “You have to have your mind made up to leave the streets,” she said. “Don’t bring the street into Samaritan House. If you’re not ready to get better, you’re only damaging yourself.”